Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Hippo gnu deer
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
