so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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