Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
