despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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