Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
