I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I supernannyed him into submission
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
