i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
