i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
