it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The struggles of a small town man whore
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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