i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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