She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize