Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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