Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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