by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.â€
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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