You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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