So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
