Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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