I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
