just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
