The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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