Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
