Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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