I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
