: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
FUCK WHALES
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
