I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I want her autograph on my taint
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Randomize
