I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
