I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
