The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
