OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
