I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
