i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
