u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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