Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
