I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
