So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
