I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
And then the night went full on bisexual.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
