I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize