I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
