3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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