you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
