Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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