I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I smell stomach acid.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
She even gives head with a lisp.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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