this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
