I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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