I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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