I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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