he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
