Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Omg I joined a choir last night...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
