dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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