At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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