The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
