My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
