life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
