I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
