i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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