you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Of course I have a pirate flag
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
