Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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