I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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