Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
